“Through this frustrating period…you know in my anger, in my resentment and in my frustration He could still love me through that. And in this process…He could love me through that and He was okay. He wasn’t offended that I was angry at God.”

This morning I woke up late for the second time this week and I barely made it to a test (which I felt very unprepared for). It was one of those mornings when it seemed like every little stupid thing was going wrong and and my sleep deprived self was not handling it well. I went and took the test and walked back to my car, locked the doors and sat there…pretty angry. I turned on my iPod and turned the music up really loud and the first song that came on was “How He Loves”. I honestly was having one of those mornings where I just wanted very loud rock music that people were gonna hear blasting when they walked by my car and “How He Loves” was most definitely not that. I stopped myself from skipping over it, for whatever reason, and listened to the whole song (also something I rarely do) I sat there and realized how frustrated I was and how the furthest thing from my mind this morning was how much God loves me. I realized that this morning was one of those mornings when I pretend God isn’t around to hear or see me cause I would be embarrassed about how I was handling my current situation. But hearing this song this morning got me to a place where I could drive myself back home and start to change my attitude.

Last night at church we sang this song and my friend Sarah leaned over and told me I had to go watch the video about why John Mark McMillan wrote the song. I told her I would but didn’t think much about it again until today when I got home. I sat here and watched the video a couple of times in a row. It honestly was one of those “Okay God I get it” moments but it was one I definitely needed to have! I needed to realize in the stress and frustration of the past few months and this semester God hasn’t left me hanging. He has seen me screw it up and throw my little fits when things are going the way I want. He has heard me get angry when my alarm doesn’t go off. He has watched me frantically run around me room throwing stuff around trying to get to class in less than 30 minutes (and probably laughed at me a little bit ) He doesn’t leave me alone when I stop to pray and have no clue what to even say. He doesn’t get mad when I ask him why things have happened like they have. He doesn’t walk away…even in the moments when I am trying my hardest to live life on my own thinking I am strong enough without his help. He is always there when I realize I was wrong and desperately need him.

He hasn’t stopped loving me…and today I am unbelievably grateful for that! It may be “messy and gross” at times but His love is a perfect and unconditional love and I couldn’t be more thankful that I serve a God who wants to stick around for the messy and gross.

What Love Really Means

He cries in the corner where nobody sees
He’s the kid with the story no one would believe
He prays every night, “Dear God won’t you please…
Could you send someone here who will love me?”

Who will love me for me
Not for what I have done or what I will become
Who will love me for me
‘Cause nobody has shown me what love
What love really means, what love really means

I will love you for you
Not for what you have done or what you will become
I will love you for you

Oh. my. gosh. I miss these kiddos! Then I got busy on my computer, again forgetting that my desktop changed every 15 minutes, and when I closed my internet to head to class this picture was on my screen.

At first I felt like someone kind of punched me in the chest as I was reminded, once again, how much I desperately want to be back in Kenya. But the second I caught my breath I really just wanted to grab her sweet little face between my hands and make the funny face that made her giggle.

I miss Kenya so bad it hurts, but today instead of focusing on that I’m choosing to let these pictures be sweet reminders. Today the smiles looking back at me on my computer screen are memories of some of my favorite moments in my life so far…moments I won’t ever forget.

First we headed to H-Mart (a store with lots of authentic Chinese, Japanese and Korean foods) to get groceries for our Chinese dinner…

We found these Jack-fruit (which we didn’t actually buy but it was fun to walk around the store and see stuff I am used to seeing in Singapore and Beijing)

We also found these ice cream sandwiches with bread on the outside like we get in Singapore…didn’t buy them either but I will have to try them sometime and see if they are the same as what we are used to.

Then we came back to Eric’s apartment and started cooking dinner…

Somehow I got the job of cutting the chicken…sick out! I told Kelly if they were going to make me do it there were gonna take a picture so I had proof…

Connie and Alex made dessert…its called Dan Ta (蛋挞) and is basically pie crust filled with egg custard. Extremely easy and it was really good!

Then we all sat down and enjoyed our dinner…

Here is a picture of our finished desserts (well my half eaten dessert) and some mochi. Mochi is ice cream covered by a rice paste covering. They sell lots of flavors but we bought strawberry and mango. We even ended up with a few extra and I brought the extras home…YES!

It was a good night…with good food and friends! We decided we are gonna have to make this a monthly thing!

Last year I came to UNT looking for where I fit among the massive population of over 36,000 college students. I didn’t want to get caught up in what most people think of as the “college experience”. I wanted a group of people that loved me and cared about what was going on in my life. I wanted a group of people that were fun and helped me escape my crazy schedule and laugh. I wanted people that would challenge me spiritually and sit down and have the tough conversations about stuff going on in life. Looking at where I am today I feel like I found that group. I love my church and how my pastor(s) challenge me to take my next steps spiritually. I love Chi Alpha and the friends that I have there. God has led me to people that encourage me and that I genuinely enjoy being around.  They are people that keep me grounded and focused on God and not the things of this world…what I wanted right?

Yes, that’s what I wanted but the past week I have been struggling with this thought…

At what point does not conforming to this world become separating myself off from people that are looking for their place to belong just like I was this time last year?

I wrestled with the thought off and on all week and then it just kind of became less and less important to me until I forgot about it all together. Until this morning, when I sat myself down at church this morning and listened to Matt talk about this exact thing. Then I came home and sat down with my bible and came across this verse.

“Rejoice with those who rejoice, weep with those who weep. Live in harmony with one another. Do not be haughty, but associate with the lowly. Never be wise in your own sight. Repay no one evil for evil, but give thought to do what is honorable in the sight of all. If possible, so far as it depends on you, live peaceably with all.” Romans 12:15-18

In the very same chapter of Romans it seems like we are called to two very different things. We are called to not conform to this world but God also calls us to love one another and not separate ourselves from the world.

And there lies the challenge.

Don’t become in sync with the world but do not separate yourself from it either.

I go to class 3 days a week, go to Chi Alpha events 3-4 times a week, go to church on Sunday and usually squeeze in a few coffee and lunch dates. At that point my planner keeps me busy but isn’t too overwhelming and I have spent enough time during my week with people who encourage me spiritually and emotionally. I end the week feeling good and start it all again the next week. But at some point this routine could become an easy chance for me to fall into sin. I begin to separate myself from the people that need to see God’s love most.

I am at a place where I am being challenged spiritually but am I doing that for others? Do I think of myself as better than someone because of the godly people I associate myself with? I have friends and people who are there for me but am I paying attention to the people around me who need me to be there for them? There have got to be so many people on this campus who are lonely and looking for a place to belong. I was that person last year but I found my place and forgot what that felt like to be searching. Matt said this today…

“When you’re warm you forget what it’s like to be cold, and when you’re full you forget what it is like to be hungry.”

I had forgotten what it’s like but I pray that in my abundance I don’t forget to love the people around me regardless of where they are in their life.

2 suitcases, 50 pounds each=my closet for the summer.

After a few short weeks of unpacking, repacking, losing stuff buried at the bottom and trying to find it therefore leaving my neatly folded suitcase a massive pile of mess I was over it! I unpacked and repacked my suitcases to get on and off planes somewhere around 5 times this summer. My moving closet did not become something I was too fond of.

But yesterday I woke up and pulled a shirt off the hanger and jeans out of my drawer and some jewelry out of my neatly organized box and shoes sitting on the floor and thought to myself “too stinkin easy.” And if I’m honest, how boring! Yesterday I located my wardrobe for the day fairly simply but I didn’t wake up in a different country and I won’t for a while. I will be living life out of an organized closet until next summer…no suitcases involved.

I am grateful for the year I have ahead of me. This year will be filled with its own kind of adventure and I am excited about that. I will enjoy catching up with friends here and making new ones. I will enjoy the moments that I have to sit in my private dorm room and have a chance to catch my breath. I will enjoy my time spent in the comforts of a life not lived out of a suitcase.

BUT…

I will miss it! I already do. I had ice cream with a friend yesterday and we got to talking about everything I got to do this summer. I saw more airports than some people see in a lifetime. I spent time with my family at our home in Singapore. I learned Chinese. I climbed the Great Wall. Absolutely insane! After all the traveling I have had the opportunity to do the past couple of years I am starting to realize that being in one place for a long time is kind of boring to me. There is so much world to see and I want to see it. My passport is just sitting there waiting to be stamped. I’m not gonna lie unpacking my suitcases and putting them back in storage was something I did happily a few days ago. But now, I would gladly run over there and load them back up to get back on a plane! Oh the irony…guess I should learn to be happy with where  I am and what I have huh?

Bed area…probably my favorite part of the room

Kitchen and desk area

Look at all this floor space…and the room is alll mine

Sink area

Thanks again to everyone that helped with moving in stuff, and especially Mom and Anna for spending hours in the room with me unpacking! Love you guys!!

Friday night at the Daraja Concert they played this video. I have searched high and low for this song and I couldn’t find it anywhere but this morning I stumbled on the video. It is such a good song and video!!